Category Archives: Values

ACT 101: Values

Have you ever asked, “What truly matters in life?”  “What gives our lives meaning?”  “What does it mean to live a life of purpose?”  If so, you’re not alone.  Harold S. Kushner borderline-depression-psycholgie-personalities.jpgdescribes the inner searching that most of us have experienced at one time or another:

Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter…What frustrates us and robs our lives of joy is the absence of meaning….Does our being alive matter?

So, where do we find the answers to these questions?  The ACT response is, “deep inside your own heart.”  And you discover the answers by asking the questions from the perspective of YOUR OWN life.  “What truly matters in MY life?” “What gives MY life meaning?” What does it mean to ME to live a life of purpose?”  The ACT approach offers exercises to guide you through this process.  Then, when the answers come, you get to choose how to move forward.  After all, your life is your own; no one can live it for you. pexels-photo-618546.jpeg And there is freedom in recognizing that.  Freedom to be the person you want to be, to do what really matters to you, to behave in the way you really want toward yourself and others, and to dedicate your time and energy to what you truly want your time on this earth to be about.

 

Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out of …your affections and loyalties…out of the things you believe in, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something. The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into that unique pattern that will be your life. Let it be a life that has dignity and meaning for you. If it does, then the particular balance of success or failure is of less account – John Gardner

Click on this 1-minute video for a quick recap of values according to the ACT model.

So now, I’d like to introduce you to two exercises* that can help you clarify your values and uncover what really matters to you:

  • Your 80th Birthday Reflection
    • Imagine that you turn 80 years old today, and you take a reflective look back on your life. Then, complete these sentences:birthday-cake-cake-birthday-cupcakes-40183.jpeg
      • I spent too much worrying about…
      • I did not spend enough time doing things such as…
      • If I could go back in time to [today], what I would do differently from this day forward is…

 

  • Clarify Your Values
    • Click on this link:  Forty_Common_Values_Exercise
    • Read through the list of these most common values and write a letter next to each:
      • V = Very importantpexels-photo.jpg
      • Q = Quite important
      • N = Not so important
    • Once you’ve marked each value as V, Q, or N, review all the Vs, and select the top six that are most important to you. Mark each one with a star. Then, record those six values, and review them often to remind yourself that this is what you want to stand for as a human being. Allow these to be the principles that guide your choices and actions in life (much more about this in other blogs).

Clarifying and living in alignment with your values is so important.  Values can inspire and motivate you.  They can serve as an inner compass to guide you in your choices.  They give your life purpose and meaning, and make your activities much more fulfilling and rewarding.

Clarifying values is one of ACT’s 6-Core Processes that help increase psychological pexels-photo-321576.jpegflexibility and resiliency.  Another is mindfulness.  Regularly practicing mindfulness exercises trains the mind to be more focused, aware and alert.  For a short, yet very effective practice, I recommend this free 3-Minute Body Scan practice from UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center.

Let’s practice ACT together!

*Much appreciation to Dr. Russ Harris for generously sharing these exercises freely on his website, thehappinesstrap.com

 

 

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ACT 101: Psychological Flexibility

Has this ever happened to you? Psychological Flexibility Meme

  • You set a goal to eat more healthful foods, but you give in to cravings, repeatedly, then think, “I’m never going to get this under control. I feel like just giving up.”
  • You want to be more loving to the people you care about, but you catch yourself in the middle of an argument, waving your hands, saying hurtful things, again. Then, you mentally turn equally hurtful words towards yourself, “What is wrong with me?”
  • You decide you want to further your education, but just can’t seem to force yourself to sign up for that next course? You think, “It’s just too hard.  I’m not smart enough.”

You wonder if you’ll ever be able to be the person you want to be, or accomplish the goals you’ve set for yourself.  It’s like trying to get to the top of a steep hill.  You take a running start with such good intentions, and up you go for a while. Then you lose traction and slide back down, maybe sometimes even tumble and roll back to the bottom of the hill.  You get up, look around and see you’re in the same place you started.  You grit your teeth, muster your dogged determination and try again…with the same result.  You try again, and again. You’re disappointed and frustrated, at the situation and at yourself.  You just feel stuck, and furthermore you’ve had it with this exhausting, painful pattern and you’re ready to call it quits.

Don’t give up.  Give ACT a try!  ACT recognizes this stuck pattern of behavior as a normal human experience and it offers 6 Core Processes that, when practiced, help you get unstuck, and help you develop the ability to move forward in the direction of your chosen values, goals, and ways of behaving, even when stuff gets in the way.  This is known as developing “psychological flexibility.”

Below, is a very brief description of each the 6 Core Processes, and we’ll be visiting each in more depth in other blog posts.  But first, let’s take a closer look at what is really happening here.  Initially, there is the desire to move towards something you value (a healthier body, improved relationships, or higher education, etc.).  Next, unpleasant thoughts show up like, “What if I fail?” or “I’m not good enough,” and difficult emotions arise like uncertainty, fear or frustration when things don’t go as expected.  Then, you want to avoid those painful thoughts and feelings, so you’re tempted to quit, or maybe you do quit. And maybe even more painful thoughts show up, “I’m such a loser.”

Again, all of this is perfectly normal.  It even has a name; it’s called experiential avoidance.  But, it’s keeping us from being the person we really want to be.  I encourage you to watch this 3-minute video that explains it.

So, let’s take a very brief look at what makes a difference, the 6 Core Processes of Psychological Flexibility:Hexaflex with credit

  1. Values – Clarifying what really matters to us
  2. Committed Action – Taking clearly defined steps towards our values
  3. Mindfulness – Being in contact and fully engaged in our lives moment-by-moment
  4. Self as Context – Recognizing the enduring part of ourselves that observes our experiences throughout the many stages of our lives
  5. Defusion – Detaching, or unhooking, from our painful mental experiences (thoughts, memories, judgments, etc.) that arise when we’re moving towards our values
  6. Acceptance – Expanding our capacity to experience those difficult emotions that also show up

ACT is about building skills in each of the 6 processes.  For a short, yet very effective practice, I recommend this 3-minute breathing space exercise to begin the process of noticing your internal experiences (thoughts, emotions and sensations), and to experience mindfulness.  I invite you to share your experience by leaving a comment.

Let’s practice ACT together!

Coaching – What Is It? How Can It Help?

coaching-pixabay-012917Although globally more and more people are hiring coaches every day, there’s still a significant amount of curiosity around it.  I’d like to help take some of the mystery out of coaching.

Coaching is a forward-focused collaboration between  two equals, you and your coach, with the aim to help you build the fulfilling life you dream about deep in your heart.  It is important to point out here that the intent is to create the life you desire, and facilitate your goal attainment.  Coaching follows your agenda, not the coach’s.

Coaching allows you to see options and resources that may have been hidden, and helps you maximize your potential and performance.   It is action-based and focuses on enhancing the quality of your life.  Coaching is about asking the right questions to reveal the right answers for YOU…then, it’s about taking action, while receiving encouragement, accountability, and support every step of the way.

At ACT in the Moment, the core purpose in coaching is to help you live a full, purposeful, rewarding life.  What would be possible for you if you had a partner in your life who helped you:

  • Identify what REALLY matters to you in your personal and professional life.
  • Clarify your core values
  • Set goals for what you TRULY want, not what you think you “should” want, and support you as you achieve them
  • Improve relationships
  • Learn how to deal with stress, doubt, fear, and insecuritycompass-poxabay-012917
  • Handle painful thoughts and emotions
  • Increase wellbeing
  • Shift your perspective
  • Navigate through challenge and crises more effectively and efficiently
  • Utilize untapped resources, both internal and external, so you can be the person you really want to be
  • Build confidence and resilience
  • Take action
  • Experience greater satisfaction at work
  • Improve performance
  • Complete a project
  • Live more fully every moment of your lifedestination-pixabay-012917

In summary, a coach can help you live the life you want to live, be the person you want to be, and express in the world in the way you intend.

Please note that coaching is not therapy.  Diagnosing and treating medical or mental health problems are outside the scope of coaching.  Coaching assumes the client is whole and functioning, and may be experiencing a challenge, a lack of progress, are feeling stuck, or simply understand the power of a coaching partnership to help them live a vibrant, meaningful life guided by their values.

How Does Coaching Work?

Coaching is usually delivered over the phone, although some coaches meet face-to-face.  Depending on your coach, your goals and your personal situation, coaching is delivered either one-on-one or in groups. Sessions usually range from 30 minutes to an hour, 2 -3 times per month.  Some coaches also offer just in time mini-coaching sessions, which typically last 10 – 15 minutes, and are laser-focused.  As well, some offer between session email exchanges, online discussions, or group chats.

You can hire a coach as a long- or short-term partner, for you, your business, your team, your family, or your organization.  There are coaches who specialize in unique challenges, particular positions or roles, life-stages, or specific goals, and there are coaches who offer a holistic approach to help you redesign and improve the quality of your life overall.

Whatever the focus or venue, in each session, the coach listens intently, asks questions to stimulate your thinking, provides feedback on their observations, supports you in expanding your perspective, helps you assess your options, create action agreements, and draw upon your resources. Every interaction with your coach confirms that you are not in it alone.

For more information regarding ACT in the Moment Coaching and Training, visit our website, like our ACT in the Moment Facebook page, or contact us.

ACT – What is It? How Can It Help?

What is ACT?

psychological-flexibility

Hayes, S. C. (2004) ‘Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and the new behavior therapies: Mindfulness, acceptance and relationship’. In Hayes, S. C. Follette, V. M. & Linehan, M. (Eds.), Mindfulness and acceptance: Expanding the cognitive behavioral tradition, New York, Guilford, pp 1-29.

Acceptance & Commitment Training, or ACT (said as a word rather than initials), is an empirically science-based model for therapy and coaching.  At ACT in the Moment, we use this powerful model for training and coaching with two objectives in mind:

  1. To create a rich, purposeful, rewarding life
  2. To effectively manage the painful or limiting thoughts and emotions that sometimes stand in the way of having the fulfilling life we desire

ACT: 6 Core Processes

ACT consists of 6 Core Processes that help achieve Psychological Flexibility.  Similar to how stretching and toning exercises help make us stronger and more agile in performing hour daily physical activities, ACT processes can help us become more flexible mentally and emotionally, so we can better handle the situations that life throws at us.  This allows us to be free to take actions toward what is truly meaningful in our lives.   Those 6 processes are:

  1. Contact with the Present Moment/Mindfulness
  2. Values
  3. Committed Action
  4. Self as Context
  5. Defusion
  6. Acceptance

Values – The Why of What We Do

Reasons, feelings, beliefs—all may change.  If your choices are dependent on those, you’re constantly bouncing around.

— Steven Hayes, PhD

man-on-compassThis quote by Steven Hayes, founder of ACT, highlights why identifying our life values is such a crucial activity.  Our values set our course and keep us focused on what really matters.

So then, how do we discover our values?  The ACT model offers several exercises to support the values clarification process, and one of those is to simply ask ourselves what really matters to us in life?  What do we want our lives to be about?  Who do we want to be as a person? What do we want to stand for?  How would we like to be remembered?  It’s about using what we uncover during the exercises to determine how we really want to spend our time and energy.  Our values become our guiding principles for our actions much like a compass pointing the way.

Committed Action

goals-checklistSo, the next step is to set goals and take committed action.  While our values are there to guide, motivate and inspire our course of action, committed action is about doing what needs to be done to bring those values to life.  Values point the way like a compass, and goals help us identify milestones as we move forward.  They are things that we can check off as arrival points or accomplishments along the way.  For a simple example, if you value being a loving supportive husband, a goal may be to plan a special evening out with your spouse.

Our values are what truly matters to us, goals and committed action are ways we pursue or demonstrate our values.

But, we’re human, and stuff gets in the way.  Stuff like:

  • Lack of confidence
  • Fear
  • Stress
  • Overwhelm
  • The feeling of being stuck
  • Self-criticism or perfectionism
  • Thoughts that we’re “not good enough”

So, then what?   ACT’s 6 Core Processes were designed specifically to help with these.  One such process is to make contact with the present moment.

Contact with the Present Moment

Our minds are like pieces of technology or software programmed to think constantly, 24/7, 365 days a year.  They ruminate, analyze, recall, compare, strategize, fantasize, and evaluate.  They evoke things from the past and surmise things about the future.  Memories and projections show up as, “If only this hadn’t happened,” or “Once I have this, then I’ll be happy.”  Our minds can run us ragged.

here-and-nowACT offers training and exercises to help us manage this constant mind noise by making “contact with the present moment,” so we’re more aware of our here-and-now experience and so we can engage fully in ourselves, our lives and the world around us with an attitude of openness and curiosity.

For a very quick and simple exercise, right now, turn your attention to your breath, as you inhale pay attention to how your chest or belly rises, and as you exhale notice how it recedes back again.  It can be that easy to bring our attention to the present moment.  And it can be done anytime, anywhere.

Connection means being fully aware of your here-and-now experience, fully in touch with what is happening in this moment.

— Russ Harris, M.B.B.S., Physician, Therapist, and Trainer in ACT

Self as Context

Another life-enhancing ACT process is known as Self as Context.  The ACT model recognizes the importance of perspective, and acknowledges that we have 3 ways of experiencing who we are, or senses of self.  Understanding each of these senses of self can also be helpful in dealing with difficult thoughts and feelings as they arise.

  • The Conceptualized Self is the way we view our appearance, our roles, our personality, and so on. It is the process of evaluating and summarizing who we are.  Our conclusions and descriptions can be accurate or inaccurate, and can influence the choices we make in life.
  • Self as Process is the activity of being aware of our current experiences. For example, “I am feeling anxious” or “I am thinking that I need bread from the store.”  A conflict between the conceptualized self and the awareness we have of a current experience can be disturbing.  For example, if we see ourselves as someone who is always nice, our thoughts of anger and resentfulness may be difficult to admit.
  • The Observing Self is the part of us that can see all of our past and present experiences like a string of pearls, connected by a golden thread (that aspect of ourselves which remains constant). The part of ourselves that was who we were when we were young, and is still who we are now. Recall a time when you were young and an experience you had, maybe playing outside with friends.  Now think of brushing your teeth this morning.  The observer self is that part of us that recognizes that that young person and the person who brushed their teeth today are the same person.

Becoming familiar with each of these senses of self and knowing their purpose can be very helpful.  For example, it can help us with the next process called defusion.

Defusionfusion-hook

We all know that feeling of getting hooked by our negative thoughts.  They show up as worry, guilt, self-doubt, perfectionism and the like.  These are the thoughts that slow us down, or can even stop us in our tracks.  They zap our confidence and motivation.  The ACT model calls that getting fused with, or hooked by, our painful or limiting thoughts.

Defusion is the process we use to create some distance between ourselves and these negative thoughts, beliefs or memories.  It consists of techniques we can use to remember that our thoughts are really just a type of language in our minds.  We can learn to mentally step back, detach, or unhook ourselves from these thoughts and return to the perspective of being a curious observer, and then take action toward building  the life we desire.

Acceptance

At one time or another, each of us has experienced disappointment, failure, illness or injury.  What’s a common reaction to those feelings?  Very often, we think, “I should be able to just get over this,” or, “Why can’t I just pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on?”  But struggling with negative emotions does not make them go away.  Studies have shown that it actually can make them worse by adding additional layers of suffering.

So, what do we do?  Let’s use the metaphor of quicksand.  If someone falls into quicksand their natural reaction is to thrash around to try to get out of it immediately.  But, what happens when they do that?  They sink even faster.  Negative emotions work the same way.  The more we struggle to get away from them, the tighter their grip can be.  With quicksand the best thing to do is relax back and lay yourself out flat like a starfish.   With emotions, we can learn to pause, make some space for those feelings and become skilled at letting them come and go without struggle.   ACT has many techniques to help us do that.family

It’s about embracing the full spectrum of our emotions and recognizing the richness and depth they bring to our lives.

It’s about knowing what matters and managing the thoughts and feelings that stand in our way, so we can build and experience the rich, purposeful, rewarding life we truly want.

If you’d like to know more about ACT, you can visit our website, connect with us on our ACT in the Moment Facebook page, or contact us.